The New Year's Eve Hangover

If you are like me you are still recuperating from your New Year’s Eve activities well into the next day. My New Year’ Day consisted of smeared makeup and no energy. I can only imagine what those who drank too heavy had to wake up to: uncertainty and bad decisions. The New Year’s Eve Hangover.



·         I wonder how many relationships were ruined over New Year’s Eve drunkenness?

·         I wonder how many one night stands happened due to New Year’s Eve drunkenness?

·         I wonder how many children were conceived due to New Year’s Eve drunkenness?

·         I wonder how many arrests occurred due to New Year’s drunkenness?

The New Year’s Eve Hangover is how I describe the decisions that were made in the drunken celebration of a new year and how they will affect the new year and beyond. The precedence has been set for 2011.

Happy New Year! May the best of your 2010 be the worst of your 2011!

Assets and Liabilities: The Business of Relationships

As the new year approaches, now is a good time to evaluate the people and relationships in your life. I've been told that a person is a combination of their five closest people to them. What does those five people say about you? Are the people you surround yourself with assets or liabilities?

One of the closest people in your life is clearly your significant other. Sometimes it is difficult to accurately assess your romantic relationships. Because you love this person with your heart; thinking of your relationship in terms of assets and liabilities may seem a little cold but it is totally necessary!

If a person does not encourage you to be the very best you can be, they are a liability. If they offer you no help or assistance in times of trouble they are a liability. If they tell you what they think will just shut you up instead of what you NEED to hear they are a liability.

If the person is your personal cheerleader they are an asset. If this person wants nothing but the best for you they are an asset. If this person does things to make you feel special and appreciated they are an asset.

This is especially important in romantic relationships simply because your expectations of a lover are different than that of a friend or a family member. This is the person that you share your most intimate moments with...are they an asset or liability?

Homie, Lover, Friend...

Not that I am an expert on love and relationships (I'm single), but I understand that ultimately a man wants a homie, lover, and a friend. Each title is equally important. The following is my idea of what exactly that is...

The Homie: The homie portion of the relationship consists of woman that man can feel comfortable being himself around. She understands him. She understands just because they are not in the same room does not mean they aren't together. She's his favorite card partner, she can watch his favorite sport with him and add meaningful commentary, and she finish the rap song lyric that he starts.

The Lover: Being a lover is not specifically about sex. While the sexual chemistry is strong; it is more about the LOVE. Love is what makes her fix his plate for him. Love is what makes her put up with habits without saying a word. This is why she loves his mama. This is why she shows him respect and why she looks with admiration.

The Friend: Friend is the most important part of the relationship. Friendship is the glue that makes everything else come together. It is dependability, it trust, it is responsibility, it is expectations, it is the respect, it is sharing hopes and dreams, and it is enjoying each other's company.

I believe every man wants a homie, lover, friend. However fellas, when you find a woman who can be your homie, lover, and your friend you should not take the relationship for granted, she should still be treated like a princess.

Don't underestimate the power of being bitter!

What I am about to say will go against everything that self-help and relationship books and even the Bible says…but I like my thoughts deeply rooted in reality!

 

Most people can't let a past love go until they get angry. Really angry! Anger makes you not care what they are doing or who they are seeing. Anger makes you reflect on the time you wasted with that person and how you were mis-led, mis-treated, or mis-informed by that person. Anger is what allows you to truly get over the other person. After the anger is gone it is replaced by bitterness. Bitterness is a by-product of anger. It is a coping mechanism. You have gotten over what the offending ex lover had done to you but you haven't forgotten. Don't underestimate the power of bitterness! Bitterness is that emotion that stops you from taking the ex back! Bitterness will stop you from doing stupid stuff like wondering what they are doing or riding by their house.

I'm not big on forgiveness either. Again I know that you are supposed to forgive those who do you wrong but…..forget that! I will not "reward' bad behavior nor will I freely give the gift of forgiveness. Some things can't be fixed with a simple "I'm sorry". Use your powers of forgiveness for yourself! And if the other person shows real signs of rehabilitation, remorse and repentance, then you can forgive them. Other than that "I'm sorry" and "I forgive you" is just words.

 

Here's the disclaimer: You can not allow these emotions and bad situations to build up into "baggage". Baggage only hurts the person carrying it. You have already been hurt by the ex; don't allow them to continue to hurt you! You use the experience as a learning opportunity and move on! It is unfair to the people who do genuinely care about you and it is unfair to yourself to penalize people in your present and future for things that people in your past has done. You owe it to yourself to go from bitter to better to blessed!

 

Can men and women be just friends?

My answer is absolutely! Many people would disagree, but these would probably be the people who can’t handle themselves in a friendship with someone of the opposite sex. This is so unfortunate because having a friend of the opposite sex can be mutually beneficial.   

The problem arises when people don’t respect boundaries. Meaning, if you are in a relationship, you have to set rules for opposite sex friendships.  For example, you cannot have an opposite sex friend who don’t get along with your significant other. And any activity that specifically excludes your spouse/lover (other than planning a surprise or shopping for a special gift) should be strictly forbidden. Another forbidden activity is anything that involves dim or no lighting including movies. Please be able to recognize what is inappropriate!  If the activities can’t be enjoyed by all, they probably shouldn’t be engaged in. This doesn’t mean that you can’t enjoy an activity without your honey, but there should be an open invitation for him/her to join. 

Men and women can be friends and it makes good sense! I know I appreciate having male friends when I am trying to understand the male psyche or need to decode the secrets of male behavior. In return I often help my male friends find gifts for their wives/girlfriends, give them dating advice, and assist them in analyzing female motives and intentions. Let’s abandon the notion that having a female friend is like having a girlfriend on a waiting list or that having a guy friend is like having a sex partner on standby…mature people should be able to maintain friendships….regardless of gender.

Fabulous Engagement Rings!

I love love! I love to see people in love! And I love to see people take the leap into marriage. I have seen some beautiful engagement rings in my life. I have seen some really gaudy cheap ones too! Here are some of our favorite celebrities’ fabulous rings:

Tameka "Tiny" Cottle's ring from rapper T.I.

Singer, Monica Arnold's ring from NBA player Shannon Brown

Singer, Beyonce's ring from rapper Jay-Z

Evelyn Lozada's ring from NFL player Chad "Ocho Cinco" Johnson

Singer, Keyshia Cole's ring from NBA player Daniel Gibson

Khloe Kardashian's ring from NBA player Lamar Odom

Singer, Mariah Carey's ring from Nick Cannon

Just because you are sporting a huge rock on your finger does not mean it does not look cheap. Cheap has nothing to do with how much was spent on the ring but rather the design, quality and clarity.

Tasteful is the way to go! I personally would rather wear a simple wedding band than a tacky monstrosity on my finger. Not to say that I wouldn't appreciate a nice diamond, but I don't subscribe to the doctrine that a huge ring is a testament to how much your man loves you or how strong your marriage is.

The cougar and the cub

It seems as I get older the guys that hit on me become younger! At first I was resistant, thinking that a younger man would lack the maturity it takes to date me, but then I reconsidered…a lot of older guys lack maturity too. I often thought that an older woman dating a younger man spoke to her lack of maturity as well.

My mother (who is jokingly calls herself a cougar) typically dates men who are substantially younger than she is. Both of my brothers are in relationships with women who are older than them. And my closest friends date younger guys exclusively.

What is the attraction between the younger man and the older woman? Is it because the cougar offers the maternal instinct that a cub desires? Is it that women are broadening their horizons much like men have been doing for years? I am starting to embrace this cougar thing. Younger men seem to have less baggage and are fun to be around. Since the average women reaches her sexual peak in her forties, and men in their twenties; does it just make sense that more couples are finding that they are most compatible when their ages correlate with their sexual peaks? 

I've opened my mind to the possibility that this cougar concept can actually work, but here's a few items that need to be considered:

• Is he over 21? If not there is no need for further consideration. An adult woman must be able to enjoy adult activities with an adult man. For example if he's 19, you two can't share a glass of champagne or get into a night club together.
• Is he established? I can't be patient while a young guy catches up. He'll need his own place because I can't be comfortable hanging out with him at his parents house. He needs to be done with college because I can't float anyone's tuition bill. He needs gainful employment because my expectations of him are the same as if he were older so going out and taking trips should not cause a financial strain on either one of us.
• How does he handle his business? If he blows his money on video games and candy while his real bills pile up; he is not a viable candidate for HiYelaGurl's cougar club.

As long as the cub is a mature adult I guess there isn't anything wrong with a cougar and a cub being together. Its gonna take some getting used to for me to be comfortable with dating younger men myself. I guess I just need the right young man to convince me it's a good idea. . .

Why the nanny can't be trusted…

Grandma says, “Never let another woman cook in your kitchen”. This is a metaphor for something much bigger.

As women are become even more career focused, we are finding that we need additional help around the house. We are hiring nannies to care for our children, cleaning ladies to pick up after the family, and having our meals prepared by personal chefs. Please consider this as a warning ladies: Any one of these women will sleep with your man. Female in-home service providers are dangerous and not to be trusted!  

Grandma would say, ". . .if a man's got another woman cooking and cleaning for him and taking care of his children, what does he need you for?"

While you are lying on the couch in your sweats eating Bon Bons, watching Maury; the nanny is bouncing around, full of energy and nurturing his children. And do you really think your cooking can compete with a cook who knows how to whip up gourmet creations? And then there's the cleaning lady who is always 'bent over' cleaning something…

And don't think they aren't eyeing your man. They see you living well and aren't opposed to getting what you've got.  You invited these women into your home. And you may be responsible for your own un-doing. Don’t let the ‘help’ do more for your man than you do.

Celebrity Offenders include:

• Actor Jude Law cheated on actress Sienna Miller with his children's nanny.
• Comedian Robin Williams left his wife for the nanny.
• Reality show star Jon Gosslin cheated on wife Kate with the nanny of his 8 children.
• Actor Brad Pitt has reportedly had an affair with Angelina Jolie's kid's nanny.
• Former NFLer Tiki Barber left his pregnant wife for the woman who baby sat for them.
• Bee Gee's singer Robin Gibb had a baby with his live-in housekeeper while married.

Seen & Heard Sunday: How men get caught cheating

I’ve conducted surveys and interviews among my friends both male and female to determine how men usually get caught cheating. Below is the general consensus:

He’ll tell on himself- Men use the mantra, “You go looking for something, you’ll find it”. Yes she’ll find it if you are cheating, in which case she probably had other corroborating evidence which prompted further investigation. Men have a tendency to be disorganized when it comes to cheating. They’ll leave evidence or they will start acting suspiciously. In most cases, I don’t think men set out to cheat, that’s why they are unprepared and unorganized when it happens (initially). Ladies, trust your instincts, if you think he’s cheating, he probably is.

The other woman will let you know –Yes it never fails, the other woman will be fascinated with you. She can’t wait to let you know that you and your relationship is not all that. She’s usually looking to upgrade herself from other woman to wife and the quickest way to do that is to break up your relationship. She will call you and give you the sorted details of her relationship with your man. She might even come up pregnant. In a lot of cases she is relentless in the pursuit of your man. Sometimes she will tell you out of pure ignorance. She may think HER man is cheating on her with you and will seek to confront you.

His friends will tell you-Don’t be so quick to dismiss his friends’ warnings as “he’s trying to come on to you”. I’ve had several guy friends tell me that their friends broke the “man code” and warned their women that they were being cheated on. Maybe the man’s friend is tired of being used as an alibi or maybe they feel sorry that you are being cheated on. Maybe he is compelled by the guilt of knowing what is being done to you.

Your friends will tell you-Don’t dismiss your own friends’ warnings as them being jealous of your relationship, because this is what your man is going to say when you confront him. Your friend is probably torn about what she should do when she sees your man out with another woman. Women are notorious for believing their man over their girlfriends, but over time, there’s a great chance they will find their girlfriends were right.

You will find out via internet-I cannot tell you how many guys have told me they have been caught cheating via the internet. If a woman wants to know what her man is up to, all she has to do is log on and follow him on Twitter or Facebook, or check the blogs. Twitter and Facebook will surely put Match.com and eHarmony out of business (at least for those who are looking to hook-up). There is an abundance of naïve and thirsty females at your man’s finger tips (literally). If he is an athlete or entertainer depend on the blogs to expose him if he is stepping out. As a matter of fact there are blogs and website dedicated to discussing and comparing notes on athletes and entertainers who may or may not be available.

I will leave you with all the clichés:

Don’t make the obvious invisible.

What is done in the dark will come to light.

You don’t have to look for it, it will find you.

Why Are Women Carrying the Blame For Being Unmarried?

A good friend asked me why I am I still single. He couldn’t understand why a woman with so much going for her hadn’t been taken off the market. I told him a better question is: Why are men choosing Single over Married.

A lot of women in my position (educated, career focused, financially stable) are single simply because we have no choice.  Many of us would love to be in a marriage (or at least committed meaningful relationship) but the opportunity just hasn’t presented itself.

I’ve seen the ABC news story on successful single black women and why we aren’t getting married at the same rate as females of other races. I’ve seen the internet debates that point the finger at the black woman and what is wrong with her. I’m not interested in discussing that, I want to examine the real issue: the men.

The men are the issue because they hold the key to marriage. If they decide they want to be married they have a plethora of women willing to become Mrs. When a woman is ready for marriage she has to search out men who are in the same frame of mind. This is not related to just black women; American women of various races are facing the same issue: Men are choosing to be single.

I think men are not placing value on love and relationships and choosing to wait until later in life to get married or remain single permanently. Why be contractually and legally committed to another person when you can live as a family with children without being married? What is the benefit of marriage? If one woman chooses not to engage in marriage type behavior with a man in hopes that this will make him marry her, she may find that he will move on to other women who will.

So why do women carry the blame? Why is it our fault that we are unmarried?